MillionFace

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: “I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but  we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live  forever”

–Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA  contest. (On  September 17, 1994, Alabama’s Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss  America 1995.)

“Whenever  I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I  can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that, but not  with all those flies and death and stuff.”
–Mariah Carey

“Smoking  kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very
important part of your  life,”
–Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal  anti-smoking campaign

“I’ve  never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,”
–Winston Bennett, University  of Kentucky  basketball forward.

“Outside  of the killings, Washington  has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,”
–Mayor Marion Barry,  Washington,  DC.

“That  lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I’m  just the one to do it,”
–A  congressional candidate in Texas.

“Half  this game is ninety percent mental.”
–Philadelphia  Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

“It  isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in  our air and water that are doing it.”
–Al Gore,  Vice President

“I  love California.  I practically grew up in Phoenix.”
–Dan Quayle

“We’ve  got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need ?”
–Lee Iacocca

“The  word “genius” isn’t applicable in football. A genius is a guy like  Norman  Einstein.” 
–Joe Theisman,  NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

“We  don’t necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude
certain types of  people.”
–Colonel Gerald Wellman,  ROTC  Instrutor.

“Traditionally,  most of Australia’s imports come from overseas.”
–Keppel Enderbery

“Your  food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.”
–Department of Social Services, Greenville,  South  Carolina

“If  somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they  go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night.  And  the next morning, when they wake up dead, there’ll be a  record.”
–Mark S. Fowler,  FCC Chairman

10 TRUTHS BLACK AND HISPANIC PEOPLE KNOW, BUT WHITE PEOPLE WON’T ADMIT:

1. Elvis is dead.
2. Jesus was not white.
3. Rap music is here to stay.
4. Kissing your pet is not cute or clean.
5. Skinny does not equal sexy.
6. Thomas Jefferson had black children.
7. A 5 year old child is too big for a stroller.
8. N’SYNC will never hold a candle to the Jackson 5.
9. An occasional BUTT whooping helps a child stay in line.
10. Having your children curse you out in public is not normal.

10 TRUTHS WHITE AND BLACK PEOPLE KNOW, BUT HISPANIC PEOPLE WON’T ADMIT:

1. Hickey’s are not attractive.
2. Chicken is food, not a roommate.
3. Jesus is not a name for your son.
4. Your country’s flag is not a car decoration.
5. Maria is a name but not for every daughter.
6. “Jump out and run” is not in any insurance policies.
7. 10 people to a car is considered too many.
8. Buttoning just the top button of your shirt is a bad fashion statement.
9. Mami and Papi can’t possibly be the nickname of every person in your family.
10. Letting your children run wildly through the store is not normal.

10 TRUTHS WHITE AND HISPANIC PEOPLE KNOW, BUT BLACK PEOPLE WON’T ADMIT:

1. O.J. did it.
2. Tupac is dead.
3. Teeth should not be decorated.
4. Weddings should start on time.
5. Your pastor doesn’t know everything.
6. Jesse Jackson will never be President.
7. RED is not a Kool Aid flavor, it’s a color.
8. Church does not require expensive clothes.
9. Crown Royal bags are meant to be thrown away.
10. Your rims and sound system should not be worth more than your car.

Phase 1

You are listening to Stevie Wonder
(Your first day at work and all is fine and great)

Phase 2

You are listening to HOUSE music
(After a while you are so busy that you are not sure if you coming or going anymore)

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Make Sure You Read “New Company Policies” At The Bottom

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A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session.

Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.

The wife answers : “Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?”

The husband laughs says: “An Italian girl !!!” & winks. The woman kept quiet and left.

Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: “So, honey, how was the trip?”

“Very good, thank you.” “And, what happened to my present?”

“Which present?” She asked.

“The one I asked for - an Italian girl!!”

“Oh, that” she said “Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait for nine months to see if it is a girl !!!”

Moral of the Story: Briefs should be explicit.

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

‘Not a chance,’ says the husband, ‘it is 3:00 in the morning!’ He slams the door and returns to bed.

‘Who was that?’ asked his wife.

‘Just some drunk guy asking for a push,’ he answers.

‘Did you help him?’ she asks.

‘No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!’

‘Well, you have a short memory,’ says his wife. ‘Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!’

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark,

‘Hello, a re you still there?’

‘Yes,’ comes back the answer. ‘Do you still need a push?’ calls out the husband.

‘Yes, please!’ comes the reply from the dark. ‘Where are you?’ asks the husband.

‘Over here on the swing,’ replied the drunk.